Understanding humans
by Mattora
Summary: Sam tries to explain human things to Bumblebee. Drabbles on the way
1. Tears

Understanding Humans  
Part I -Tears

* * *

"Sam?"

"Yes, Bumblebee?"

"What are tears good for?"

"Uhm... Well, you know, it's ... damn, this sounds stupid – it's like windscreen wiper liquid? Uhm, well, not quite, but it's there to clean your eyes."

"Aha."

"Yeah."

"Does it hurt?"

"What?"

"What humans call crying? Cleaning optics?"

"Hu? What makes you think?"

"Humans get worried when they see others clean their optics."

"Uhm, no, that's not like ... Okay, forget about windscreen wiper and stuff, when people cry it's – it's a sign they are very sad. Mostly... Or very happy."

"A indicator for sadness _or _happiness?"

"Yes, sort of. But there are some girls who also cry for nothing just to get their way, you know, like little girls and so, or big ones too..."

"Why would they do this?"

"Because – uhm – men don't like to see women cry, okay? It sort of – troubles us."

"So it's a sonic weapon?"

"NO – no, no... not like that... Damn – okay, it's like – what do _you_ do if you really want to have something?"

"I take it."

"No, if it belongs to, lemme see, Optimus, and you want to have it, but he doesn't want to hand it over – what do you do to make him change his mind?"

"I do not long for anything Optimus possesses."

"Common Bumblebee, just play along, what do Autobots - uhm, maybe autobot girls - do　to get their way?"

"Fight?"

_-sigh-_

"Except fighting? Don't you use to say things like '_I will be nice to you if you give me that'_ or '_I will hate you forever if you don't allow me to do this'_?"

"Ah, so this is about psychological warfare!"

"I give up... Let's drive home bumblebee, I try to explain it to you another time..."


	2. Flowers

Understanding Humans  
Part II - Flowers

* * *

"Why does your mother grow plants?"

"She likes them."

"Do all humans like plants?"

"Hm... Not sure... Some do, some don't – oh, and don't judge humanity by my parent's addiction to their garden! They are really obsessive about it."

"If I am correct, humans eat plants?"

"You mean like vegetables and stuff? Yeah, it's food, like healthy and organic and good for you and ... just _healthy_."

"Will your parents harvest their plants in autumn?"

"Hu? No, they don't grow veggies or fruit, they're more into flowers and grass – from which you really should keep off, or my Dad is going to have a fit one day."

"Flowers... reproductive structure found on ainangiosperms... Humans seem to like them a lot – you gave Michaela flowers, didn't you? But she never ate them?"

"Dummy, of course not! Flowers are not meant to be eaten – well, okay, some are edible, but most are not-"

"So why did you give them to her? They are not nutritious, nor can they be used as weapons, toys or clothing?"

"Uh – it's a nice gesture to give a girl flowers, you see? And it's not like they are useless, they look pretty. You can put them into vases and decorate your house with them."

"Human females are called pretty; some human female names are the names of flowers - I think I'll get the idea behind it!"

"Bumblebee, if you go on any further I will sell you!"

"By the way, what is this thing about the birds and the bees..."

"BUMBLEBEE!"

"Just kidding Sam, just kidding..."

* * *


	3. Candles

* * *

Understanding Humans  
Part III - Candles

* * *

"Are you preparing for an emergency?" 

"Hu? What?"

"You bought candles; But you don't need to worry, my auxiliary lighting is lot more useful than candles."

"Oh, no... no ... well, I thought about asking Mikaela out on a date... And..."

"Oooooh, I understand ... _vincilagnia_?"

"What?"

"- involves people being tied up or otherwise restrained -"

"NO! No no _no_!! Hey! Listen, listen, listen, okay? I'm not into _that_ stuff, alright? ... Boy... you really shouldn't spend that much time in the net... I was just thinking about – maybe – she'd like... a romantic candle light dinner ..."

"Sorry, my bad... So a dinner it is? But what do you need the candles for? Humans can not process alkanes, esters, polyesters or hydroxy esters - you would seriously harm your cycle by adding those components to your body!"

"Uhm, Bee, actually, no - romantic candle light dinner actually means use the candles as a illumination. Not as food."

"I see – but lux provided by candles is very low, wouldn't electric lights be way more efficient? If you want to, I could also switch on my upper beam for the two of you..."

"Well... Bumblebee, thats – nice, really nice of you... but I'd rather stick to candles, okay? It's ... more romantic, you see?"

"Romantic? What is this? I don't understand; You will barely be able to see each other in this poor illumination, and the bad lights may cause permanent damage to your optics."

"Uhm... how do I explain... Humans think candle light is – prettier than normal light, you see?"

"No. This is illogical. Why do humans prefer poor illumination? You do not possess night sight."

"Well, sometimes seeing less is like... seeing more? Like, if you don't look at the outside, you see more of the actual person?"

"I'm confused – do humans have a special sensor which only works in the dark?"

"Nooooo... oh... common... Okay, it's better for... -cough- getting in the mood."

"The mood?"

"Uh... you know ... _the mood_..."

"Ah – fertilization."

"... Bee..."

"Hu? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm just fine... really... just fine... oh my..."

"Sam, are you feeling well? Your life readings are worrisome – your blood pressure is way to high, and your face is getting red -"

"I'm fine Bee, okay? This is just – let's drop this, okay? Just, forget about it..."

"Okay..."

_-Bright as the stars we're under Oh, is it any wonder-_

"... You're doing this on purpose, ain't you? Haha, very funny... Switch the stations..."

"Sorry Sam."

"Forget it... oh man... why always me..."


	4. Horror films

* * *

Understanding Humans  
Part IV -Horror films

* * *

"Sam? Sam."

"What is it – WHAAAAAAAAAA! Jesus Christ - what the hell – BUMBLEBEE!"

"Haha! You like it?"

"**No**! Definitely **not**! Why did you – argh! You used Dad's special paint, didn't you? Great, it's all waterproof and stuff and ... just great! You look like a – like a – just _what the hell where you thinking_?"

"Uhm... Sorry – I thought you would like it..."

"Like it? What the – what made you think it'd like to have you gone Frankenstein? You almost gave me a heart attack, I thought you were a Decepticon!"

"But – but-"

"Common, let's get you in the backyard before anybody sees you... oh this stuff better comes off ... I doubt your armor is remover proof?"

"It is – but why are you mad at me? I thought you'd think it's cool..."

"HU? No – okay - what did you download while I was gone?"

"Nothing..."

"Sure, right. Close your engine cover. Okay, what just gave you the idea I would like to run into a freaking Krueger monster in the dead of night!"

"Don't humans like to be scared?"

"No, definitely not."

"But... you watch horror films, don't you?"

"Uhm – yeah, but that's something different!"

"Why?"

"Why? Because it's – it's just a movie, not something that's gonna knock at your door and scare the hell out of you for real..."

"Ah. So you only like to be scared by fictional threats?"

"Yes, maybe ... something like that. Geez, you even painted your tires..."

"Your life sings during watching a horror movie are way off normal; even days afterwards you are easily scared, and your sleep pattern changes; you are very jumpy."

"Hu? What are you trying to say, Bee? Turn round..."

"I am just wondering – you fought the Decepticons at our side, and never backed down; you were very brave, even when your life was in serious danger... It was a real threat, but you weren't half as scared as when you watched The Grudge. Why is that so? Facing Autobots for the first time must be way more eerie for a human being than watching a film about a fictional monster?"

"Man, you're giving me a headache Bee... I don't know, back then it was like ... like – it's wasn't real, it was like – Boom! - welcome to another dimension! It was just so way beyond, I had not time to be scared like that – it was just '_woha, cool, oops, run for your life!_' and so... Yeah... Like that... it was different..."

"So you were not scared because your processor didn't think it was real? Hu. But ... then why are you scared of fictional monsters in reality?"

"Uhm... Well... I'm not scared... Not really ... That's just human I think, okay? ... Why don't I rinse the paint remover off you, and we call it a night? I'm really tired..."

"Okay, thank you Sam. Good night."

"Night Bee... And don't you ever do this to me, 'kay?"

"Promise."

"Right. See you tomorrow..."


	5. Shaving

* * *

Understanding Humans  
Part V - Shaving

* * *

"Och!"

"Sam? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm in the bathroom, wait until I – hey, get away from the window! What if the neighbors spot you!"

"Sorry, I thought you might have injured yourself - Sam, you are bleeding!"

"It's just a little cut... damn, where does Dad keep that paste..."

"Sam put down the razor! I will not allow you to harm yourself!"

"Hu? Bee, I'm just trying to shave myself here. Will you quite it ... Do you see a green tube lying somewhere round here?"

"Upper board, left of you. Shaving?"

"Yes, shaving. Haven't you ever come across that on the net?"

"I know the meaning of the word - _removal of body fur_ – but why should _you_ shave?"

"Girls don't like stubble."

"Scanning – No body hair growth detectable in Sam Witwicky face."

"Haha, very funny... I'm a man, and a man has to shave... Uch, that stuff burns..."

"Are you going to shave your legs too?"

"Hu? No, I'm not a girl, why should I shave my legs? Men don't shave their legs..."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?"

"Females shave their legs and axilla too, why don't do men the same? And why is body fur such a problem to humans? It's supposed to offer warmth and protection – I have never heard of an Autobot removing his fenders..."

"Uh – well, body fur just does look... nasty? It's just not pretty... damn, now the cut looks even worse..."

"So hair removal is done for an aesthetic reason... But, why do humans keep the body fur on the top of their head then!"

"Well, because humans usually look strange without top hair – well, there are some who do look good, but most don't. Hair on top of your head is normal..."

"Normal? I don't understand humans... no matter where your body fur grows, it's part of your armor! It's strange to remove it!" 

"Bumblebee, it's not body armor, it's like – hm, it's like ... moss! Yeah, like moss, for if moss would start to grow on you, you would remove it too, right?"

"Why should bryophyta grow on me?"

"Geez ... Okay, okay... Humans are just strange, okay? Now let's leave this topic alone, I promised to be over point eight at Mikaela's, so we have to get going."

"You sure you don't want to shave any other parts of your body before heading off? Do humans also remove the moss between-"

"I say we stop this here, okay? I'm really not going to discuss that with you."

"Why? Isn't it-"

"I said no."

"But-"

"NO."

"Common Sam, why are you blushing?"

"Bee..."

"It's just body fur, right? So-"

"I'll ask Ratchet to disable your vocals ... I really will..."


	6. Gourmet

* * *

Understanding Humans  
Part VI - Gourmet

* * *

"_Go-u-r-me-t_ – Sam, what is a gourmet?"

"Uhm... wait a moment – that's a person who likes good food, right? Or was that glutton? No, don't think so... Why'd you ask?"

"Are you a gourmet?"

"Na, no way Bee – do I look like a frog eater to you?"

"Hu? Frog eater? Humans eat amphibians? Interesting... Though logical, you basically run on carbohydrates and fatty acids, so as long as your system can 'stomach' it, it's no difference..."

"Eeeeh... No. Bee, there's actually something called disgust and dignity – normal humans don't eat freak stuff like snails or blowfish... There's good good food and there's culinary good food also called gourmet food."

"I don't comprehend... That would be like saying fuel isn't fuel?"

"But - Do you accept any kind of fuel? I'm sure you just don't like – uhm – say, extreme sulfurous fuel? Or alcohol?"

"I wouldn't accept it, for it would ruin my tanks... Though I could adapt to it if necessary – but human food still is food; it's a mix of various carbohydrates, fat, vitamins, minerals and proteins. Only the form changes."

"Yes, but to humans, the form of food is very important as well!"

"So gourmets do like food which is not appealing to other humans?"

"Yeah, maybe, it's like that... I think you have to be an European or really, really rich to become a gourmet."

"Are European stomach tanks different from American? But – you also descend from Europeans, right? Shouldn't your digestive system be able to handle gourmet food?"

"There isn't a difference in 'stomach design' Bee, it's a mental thing. I'd rather starve than eat turtle eggs or pickled monkeys..."

"What?? You'd rather go offline than refuel with 'gourmet' food?"

"Calm down, it's just a human saying, to rather strave than eat stuff you don't like... I think if I really were to die from hunger I'd eat anything – but if I have any choice --and this includes Aunt Mary's cooking - I'd always choose normal, good basic food without any nasty additions just for the thrill."

"But ... you put chili sauce on your burgers – isn't this also a 'nasty addition'?"

"Nope, for it makes things tastes even better; And Chili is a normal spice, not weirdo stuff like grated brains or testicles."

"Aha... One is normal, the other is weird? You claim there's actually a difference ... Indeed ... Humans are to strange..."


	7. Nice guys

* * *

_Done for hidamari- Mikaela vs Ratchet_

* * *

Understanding Humans

Part VII - Nice guys

* * *

"Your temperature is dropping Mikaela. You sure you should be out here? Shouldn't you recharge at an hour like this?"

"I'm fine Ratchet. I just needed to get out a bit."

"You are distressed – did something happen at school?"

"No Ratchet... Look, I really don't feel much like talking about it, okay? Sam's just such an idiot at times..."

"I see – did you have a fight? Scanners indicate no recent injuries though."

"No, Ratchet, Sam would never hit me – and if he were to try, I would be the first one to break his arms... In fact, that's part of the problem...

"You wanting to break his arms?"

"That's not funny Ratchet."

"Sorry."

"Sam's a really, really nice guy – in fact,_ too_ nice! He apologizes when he was wrong, he says 't_hank you_' and '_please_' – god, he would even go as far and buy me tampons if I asked him to!"

"Why is the purchasing of toiletries such a problem to you?"

"Not to me Ratchet, but for a man – it's just plain embarrassing to buy tampons. Real man don't do go out and buy their girlfriend tampons! For sure not the guys I have dated so far..."

"But you like Sam, don't you? Your hormone levels indicate-"

"Stop that Ratchet; If I like him or not isn't the problem here."

"Isn't it?"

"I like him; but he's such a dork at times... He's trying too hard to be cool and impress me– did you know he's doing sit-ups and uses hantels when he thinks nobody's watching? Bumblebee told me ... But that's just no who he is."

"It isn't?"

"No. Sam is a natural born nerd who thinks all the time about what a really cool guy would do in his place, instead of just being himself."  
"But you said him being who he is is the problem?"

"I said him being too nice is the problem."

"Ahaaaa. Mikaela, would you mind if I take a few blood samples? You are talking in mysteries. You sure you didn't hit your head recently? Maybe it's the stress..."

"I forgot you are a man as well... Okay. I like Sam because he is a nice guy, but I don't like the fact he is so damn insecure that he would try to change himself into a 'cool' guy for me... Hell, if I were looking for the cool and jock type I sure wouldn't stick round to watch him become one. If he only were a bit more self-confident and wouldn't question his actions all the time... But I know all nice guys are like that, otherwise they wouldn't be nice guys I guess."

"Are all females as complicated as you? Why are you rolling your optics at me? Are you feeling unwell?"

"Get me home Ratchet, okay? And one word of this to Sam, and I'll show you just how good I'm at breaking into cars and disassembling them..."

"My vocals are sealed..."


	8. Dreams

* * *

Understanding Humans

Part VIII - Dreams

* * *

"Mornin' Bee."

"Good Morning Sam. Did you recharge well?"

"Ah, yes... Nothing like sleeping in long on a weekend buddy, nothing like sleeping in."

"You slept for almost eleven hours - Isn't there a danger of overloading?"

"Hu? Overloading from sleep? Never heard of that... It's not like we refuel ourself in the night or stuff – I mean, if you eat a lot before you go to bed or something like that, maybe... but Overload from sleep? ... Nope."

"I see. But are you sure you're alright? You movements seem very sluggish, and your eyes are barely open. And you keep on yawning all the time – are you sure you slept well? In fact, sou look as if you are about to fall asleep any minute."

"Bee, that's normal, humans need a bit to get up and running in the morning – or afternoon, likewise... '"

"Sleep is a strange concept; After recharging, one should be at ones top form. Maybe it's those dreams fault? They seem to disturb your rest... Isn't there something to suppress them?"

"Sure, sure, I'd hammer myself with sleeping pills in order to sleep like '_well_' – which I do anyway – uhm, wait a minute... how comes _you_ know _I_ have been dreaming? - God, I don't talk in sleep, do I?"

"Would that be bad?"

"_Yes_!! God, what am I gonna do about Mikaela, what if I say something stupid in sleep and she hears it? Oh nonono, damn-"

"Calm down Sam, you do not talk in sleep – not as far as my data covers. Your life signs suddenly spiked up in the night, and I got worried and radioed Ratchet. He told me not to worry, for this phenomena is normal amongst humans... But still, I think those dreams are not very good for your health."

"Bee... I told you I'm fine. All I need is a cappuccino and maybe a croissant... And dreams are important, they actually help us to sort out what happened the day before."

"Hu? I don't understand, aren't you supposed to be in stand-by – uhm, unconscious when sleeping? And doesn't your software process all the data while you are awake?"

"Argh, I have no idea Bee! Why don't you goggle it up while I have breakfast... It's way to early for something like that anyway..."

"It's 3 pm Sam."

"Bee, cut it out, you sound like my Mom."

"No Sam, your Mother sounds like _initate replay_ '**SAM! What happened to**-"

"Alright, alright, you win, you win... just let me have breakfast first, okay? Then we can talk about whatever you like... But first things first... And here I thought being an only child was hard..."

"Hu? Sam, are you saying you think of me as-"

"Didn't you want to look up dreams and stuff on the net? Why don't you do so why I grab something to eat, I'll be right back! Just a minute!"

"Take your time Sam... _open radio channel 2917A2_ – Ratchet, would you mind telling me something about humanoid family structures? UHm, why I'd like to know? Uhm... Well, you see..."


	9. Females

* * *

Understanding Humans

Part IX - Females

* * *

"Bee?"

"Yes Sam?"

"Are there female transformers as well?"

"Confirmative... But they have become extinct long ago..."

"I see... Why?"

"You mean why they became extinct? I don't know ... there are no recordings left. Maybe they were weaker than the other Autobots, and thus got killed? We may never know..."

"Weaker? Hu? Why should female Autobots been weaker than you guys?"

"I have no idea; it was just a conjecture. Human females seem to be weaker than male-"

"Oh, be carefully of what you're saying Bee... Mikaela might have your head for that one..."

"But comparing female to male bodies, there is a significant difference in structure; females have been designed to be softer and less bulky than males to bear and raise offspring."

"Yeah, but doesn't mean they are weaker; Just look at my Mom, she'd beat my Dad anytime... But what I don't get, why have there been female transformers anyway? What's the logic behind gender, if you don't – well, reproduce as you call it?"

"Now you mention it... But it's not only a difference of mechanic and outer appearance design, but of internal programs as well. Maybe females had a different logic software installed."

"Uch, you know you sound like a down right macho Bee?"

"What's a macho?"

"Uhm – well, it's a guy who think woman are inferior to men and weaker sex and all that stuff."

"But they are weaker?"

"See... now these are a true macho's words Bee! Don't let NOW hear you saying stuff like that... Though, you maybe could talk your way out off it, pointing out you are not a guy either..."

"Sam? What are you referring to? I'm afraid I can't follow your logics?"

"Well, you all were created by the spark, right? So, there's no need for you to be able to reproduce at all. And gender is something that only organic stuff like us and animals need, right? So, the whole male-female thing - It's just in your head! You might as well be a woman, buddy."

"I am not female!!"

"Says who? Hey, and what would be so bad about it anyway... Mikaela would fall for you even more than she already has - and the two of you could be best friends or something like that."

"Stop laughing! This is not funny! I am not a female Autobot, I am male one!"

"_'snicker' _But Bumblebina sure _does_ sound cute..."

"Stop mocking me!"

"And Mom would love to crochet some pink seat covers for you-"

"Sam!!"

"Okay, Okay, I'll stop calling you Bumblebina, fine?"

"You better do! For this is not funny at all."

"Awww, you say so now – but only until we get the chance to ask Ironhide and Ratchet the same question..."


	10. Tan

* * *

Understanding Humans

Part X - Tan

* * *

"Bee..."

"Sorry."

"Bee... You're doing it again."

"Sorry Sam. Better?"

"Yeah... BEE!"

"But Sam, your skin-"

"Bee, my skin is fine; I haven't even warmed up, for we just came here fifteen minutes ago!"

"It's 2 pm Sam, I don't think it is a very good idea for you to sunbathe, the ultraviolet light is still almost at its max; it might damage your upper skin layers and optics -"

"Bee, for gods sake, I'm wearing sun glasses!"

"They are not UV-opaque!"

"Bee - I'd be the first human to go blind for lying in the sun for 15 minutes... And I wouldn't be facing the sun directly anyway – unless I had to turn round every 2 seconds or so to talk to a certain giant robot who now and then steps in front of me to block the sun out, for he's on a _wear sunscreen _trip!!"

"But Sam, listen to me! This is insane, why are you doing this? You endanger your health by exposing that much of your skin to solar emission! Your armor will disintegrate!"

"It's _skin,_ not _armor _Bee, and even it were to be 'damaged', it would grow back; for sure after something as simple as a sunburn... And I already told you three times I am here to get a tan."

"A Tan... I see the logic... So, all this is this for impressing Mikaela?"

"Ugh... Yeah, okay? Look, why don't you walk around a bit and stretch your legs before we head back home? It must be nice to be in your original form once again, right? Enjoy the beach.. and relax... and BEE! CUT IT OUT!"

"You said I should move."

"Yes! Like in '_Walk around on the beach and have fun for there's nobody here anyway_' - but stay out of _my_ sun!"

"But Sam, what is so great about a tan that you're willing to risk your health? Wouldn't a fake tan spray be a better solution? ... Are you that unhappy with being Caucasian?"

"Hu? What do you mean?"

"You're trying so hard to change the color of your skin -"

"Beeee... getting a tan isn't about changing the color of your skin... Okay, so maybe it is, but not like that, like changing your ra-... uhm, well, who you are. I'm not Michael Jackson, 'kay?"

"Who's that?"

"Never mind... Would you mind moving now? Still trying to get a tan here."

"You'll get a sunburn, and later on melanoma and skin cancer."

"_Fine_. Better than getting called cream puff and losing the best - and so far _only_ - girlfriend I ever had."

"Sam, Mikaela sure isn't as superficial as not to be able to look beneath your armor... Otherwise she would be dating you."

"... Thanks Bee, that was really _nice _of you to say..."

"Hu? Did I say something wrong?"

"_No way_, what makes you think ... Sometimes I wonder if you guys are really the 'good' ones afterall; You sure can be quite mean at times..."


	11. Getting Drunk

* * *

Understanding Humans

XI - Getting Drunk

* * *

"Uuuuuugggh – _blegh_-"

"Ugh, thanks mate... I swear, I never ever will go on a party with you... Geez, what have you been eating?"

"Sorry Sam... won't – burp – happen again... Hu? Ohhhhh... I think I'll be si-"

"Ugh, great... I'll be back in second, 'kay? Maybe I've got some water in the car..."

"I'm afraid I will need a chemical purification ... I hope you don't plan on taking him home?"

"I can't leave him out here, can I? Look Bee, I'm sorry he puked all over you... and over me... I really need a shower...Yuuuuck... But he's my friend, and even though he is an idiot, I can't just leave him here."

"Can't we at least put him in the trunk? God, I feel so... dirty..."

"Sorry Bee... If I had known Miles planned getting dead drunk within one hour... I didn't leave a bottle of water or something else in here, did I?"

"He did get drunk on purpose?"

"Hu? Maybe... Dunno... first-aid kit... oh, book I forgot to return... hu, no water..."

"Why do people get drunk on purpose? Is regurgitation that much fun to humans?"

"Sorry Bee... I told you Miles is a jerk at times. But usually he's not getting _that_ drunk, just a bit – he says is's funny... According to him, if you're a bit drunk, everything seems a lot easier, the girls are prettier, you are like – superman or Brad Pitt, dunno, things just loosen up a bit. But today he's really hammered, which is sort of beyond the point even for him."

"So getting drunk is fun?"

"Yes and no – look, if you drink, lets say, three beer, you start to relax, your brain shuts down or something. You forget about unpleasant stuff, and you're feeling better and are way more easy-going. But you should stop before you end up like that, falling asleep underneath the table or getting sick in your friends car, you know."

"Losing control is a positive thing? I don't understand? His movements are sluggish, reaction time has quintupled and he can remember how to get home one his own."

"Hey, it's not like I say being drunk is a positive thing, okay? That's Miles, not me."

"So you have ever been drunk?"

"Not like that, believe me... Maybe a little bit, okay... But I don't like the taste of alcohol at all."

"Isn't it illegal to drink at your age Sam? You're not 21 yet."

"Oh common Bee, it was just two beers at a party – which were lukewarm and tasted dreadful by he way- But I didn't drive or do anything dangerous. And as I said, I don't even like beer and stuff. And after all, what is teenage drinking compared to fighting alien robots and threatening agents?"

"True... Hm, shouldn't you look after your friend?"

"Oh Damn!! I really forgot! Hey, Miles, you okay over there?"

"Yeah... sort of... Dude, are you - burp- talking to you're car?!"

"Haha, sure... You feel like going home? No more puking in my car? "

"Sorry.., But I think I'm fine now... You sure you di_-burp_- didn't talk to your car? I swear I-"

"Miles, who just spend 10 minutes throwing up because he's gotten himself dead drunk? Little hint, it's NOT me."

"Sorry... But I -_burp_- could have... could have..."

"-_I say __**Trunk**__.-_"

"-_Shut up Bee!-_ OKAY Miles, lets get you in the car ... before you're stomach comes up with something new."

"Dude, don't mention _-burp-_ coming ..._ up_... Hey- _wait a minute_ – your car just talked! DUDE! You're car is talking!!"

"Miles... Get in the car... You're drunk, remember? Sure you'll 'hear' my car talking... Next you'll tell me evil aliens are trying to take over Earth by manipulating our Electronics..."

"_Well, they at least tried to.._."

"**SAM**! There it was again!!"

"You're imagining things... Haha..There's no such thing as talking cars Miles... _Honestly._"


	12. Beauty

* * *

Understanding Humans

XII - Beauty (Part I)

* * *

"Sam, I think something is wrong with Mikaela."

"Hu? What makes you think so Bee? She seemed fine to me..."

"Haven't you looked at her hands?"

"Sure I have! She's my girlfriend... Uhm, so, what is wrong about her hands?"

"How could you not notice? Her nails are red all over! I've tried to contact ratchet to ask him what human illness might cause such symptoms, but so far he hasn't responded – why are you laughing Sam? This is a serious-"

"Bee, it's just nail polish, no need to worry. Women do paint their nails, it's normal."

"Human females paint their nails?"

"Yep, most woman do that – you haven't come across that one on the net?"

"So far not – but it's certainly interesting; does it have a specific meaning amongst humans?"

"Hu? Uhm... Well, I guess not so much, girls seem to like coloring their nails – it's about being pretty I guess, or getting a man's attention... Dunno..."

"Human females seem to do a lot of things for the appearance of their visible armor parts."

"Oh yeah... I don't get it either, but some of them are really obsessed with make-up and clothes and spa and working out... Wwomen are scary when they think they are '_ugly_' – it's like they're on a really bad trip! You should see my mom when she's having a '_Oh I am so ugly_' flash - she's behaving like a complete different being... A lot of women do that..."

"Really? That is worrisome... You think Mikaela will become like that too?"

"Geez, Bee, don't scare me like that... God, no, Mikaela's pretty enough for three, she doesn't need _tha_t sort of _s_tuff. She won't ever be like that. _Never ever._"

"But she is painting her nails. And she does dress – uhm, how do you humans call it? - appealing?"

"Bee, there are world between painting your nails and having a good fashion sense, and becoming some anorexic Hilton Blondie with no self respect, or a frustrated middle aged woman wanting a belly tuck for her 40th birthday!"

"What is a Hilton Blondie?"

"You really don't need to know 'bout that Bee, too many people already do... What I'm trying to say is that Mikaela just knows she's gorgeous. She doesn't even need make-up or anything, for she's just – the triple real life _WOOW_! experience, okay? Painting her nails isn't a sign of self doubt, it's more like underlining her beauty."

"Well, but according to my memory storage, there have at least been 32 times my optics registered traces of paint in Mikaela's facial region Sam..."

"Hu? Really? Wow... I never noticed... You sure?"

"She's _your _girlfriend Sam, not mine... Shouldn't _you_ be more attentive?"

"I am attentive! Who wouldn't be with a girlfriend like that!"

"Sooo ... what color are Mikaela's eyes?"

"Hu? Common Bee, that's easy! Way too easy – you really want me to answer that? Ha ha, they're ... green. Uhm, right? ... Yes, they are green, definitely!"

"Blue... Sam, her eyes are blue, maybe gray to human optics... I wonder why human females go through all this trouble improve their armor... They must be very patient when men are concerned... Very, very, very patient..."


	13. Action Heroes

* * *

Understanding Humans

XIII - Action heroes

* * *

"So, how did you like the movie? I thought the special effects were kinda dull."

"Don't tell me you have watched an illegal Internet rip again Bee!"

"Well, they won't let me in, and it will be months till the DVD comes out – it's not like I have much of an option! By the way Sam, what is an action hero?"

"Well, that's people like Bruce Wills, Vin Diesel, Harris Ford or Schwarzenegger for example."

"Hu? I thought they are actors?"

"Yeah, but they're symbols for what action heroes are – big and brute, but also cool and beating the hell out of the bad guys and blowing stuff up and so on."

"Aren't heroes supposed to be the good guys? This doesn't sound very much like a role model to me?"

"Yeah... But action heroes are good guys – well, in a wider sense. They do fight the evil guys, sometimes using their own methods on them; but they're still good because they fight for either the right side, saving their family or friends and the world on top of it. Or they are just so cool you really don't care if the reason for the fight is just that decent. _Action_ is far more important than _hero _in such movies."

"Hu... So action heroes are people who run round, beat others up-"

"Don't forget they get to blow up stuff and have some really cool lines -"

"- for more or less comprehensible reasons, and then, just liked that get called heroes?"

"Hm, sounds about right."

"So, if you and I were staring in a movie, would we be action heroes too?"

"Haha, for suuuuure! Bee, right now I can't even carry Mikaela in my arms without topling over, let alone beat up a bunch of ninjas or evil super agents... I doubt you get to be an action hero if you don't have at least, like, ten dans in karate and know how to disable an atomic bomb with a swiss knife. And _you_ are just so far above anything else with all your tech and skills that you'd never be just a mere action hero, more like a superhero if such cathegories would apply to autobots."

"A superhero?"

"You don't know? Like Superman, Batman, Spiderman or the X-Men? Superheroes are like the next class of heroes, they're all about moral and super powers and fighting for a better tomorrow and great power great responsibility – you know, the human concept of superheroes is just like what Optimus Prime acts and thinks ke."

"Wow... You really think I'm a bit like Optimus?"

"Except for he just never would watch bootleg videos and pull pranks on me?"

"Ah, you're still angry about yesterday? I thought it was a common custom among friends... But I think you're also a hero Sam, even if you can't defeat a decepticon or lift a car or beat up other organic beings. For a human, you are also very superhero like."

"Ha, thanks... Now that makes me a what, like 100 percent sidekick? You just so sounded like a comic book."

"A sidekick?"

"Yeah, the puny little guy, constantly running after his big idol and trying to be like him, only to fail constantly and get into trouble, but always keeping his hero's morale up by reminding him he's _a hero _after all. But usually more like a male groupie than a real aid."

"You think you are my groupie?"

"Argh! Bee! Of course **not**! That was just a _general _humorous definition! Stop misunderstanding me on purpose!!"

"I swear I don't! It's _you _who is confusing _me_!"

"HA! Don't you even try to fool me, I can practically _hear_ you grinning!"

"Wow, you can _hear _me grinning? You sure you don't have superpowers you never told me about? Than you could be a superhero too, or at least an action hero!"

"Maybe I was wrong... You're no super-, but an antihero Bee... Heroes aren't picking on their 'sidekicks' constantly."

"You mean groupies."

"See... just what I'm talking about..."


End file.
